MARRIAGE: AS A WAY OF LIFE
Marriage, or the close man-woman relationship that exists whether or not it has been dignified by the marriage ceremony, can be an enormously strong bond. It can withstand long-term illness, mental and physical disabilities, sexual deprivation, addiction to alcohol in one partner, unemployment in the breadwinner and so on. All of this suggests that a good marriage is much more than simply a long-term commitment to sexual exclusivity. We see marriage much more as an enduring friendship — an alliance between a man and a woman who work together as
friends — in a self-contained team of two.
Unfortunately, the concept of a husband and wife being each other’s closest friends seems rather odd to many, so it is hardly surprising that once the romantic feelings of the first year have died away, some couples complain that they have little left. There is evidence that where a woman sees her husband as her best friend, she feels understood and says that things get better year by year. She finds she can tell him anything, even things she cannot relate to her closest woman friend. No direct similar evidence exists in respect of men but what men are known to think of a good relationship leads us to assume that they see things in much the same way as women.
As in any close alliance there are bound to be ‘frictions of association’ — troubles caused by being together for much of the time, but in a good marriage these are kept to a minimum by a sensible division of labour between the sexes which is roughly the same in all cultures. Although many of us curse the lot of our own sex from time to time, wishing we were the opposite sex, in a good marriage the tasks that have to be done are divided up according to who does them best and the marriage not only survives but thrives.
Once we start to think of the man-woman relationship as a kind of super-friendship it begins to alter the whole subject of sex. It is possible to have sex with anyone but there are very few people who could be life-long friends.
Once a friendship is formed it is in the interests of the couple to please each other and to respect the interests and feelings of the other. So, for example, the husband of a woman who does not like fellatio (oral sex with a man’s penis) respects this restriction and does not use it to ‘prove’ that she does not love him. If, then, one day she decides to try it with him, yet cannot go through with it, the ‘loving friend’ type of husband is not angry but would see her effort as endearing and, for her, a sign of love.
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